Barnacle Bill: A Salty Tale

Come now, children—come gather around. And I’ll tell you the tale of Old Barnacle Bill. C’mon down off the decks and onto the dock—say, there's no need to fear. We don’t sail ‘til the turn-o-the-tide so come listen to me now.

You’ve heard of Pistol Pete, Wild Bill, Calamity Jane, and Annie Oakley, too. But, as God is my judge, even in this year of aught-nine, you’ve never heard the likes of Barnacle Bill! Why, he’s the Ruler of the Sea!--and rides the briny waves. Lightning and Thunder both avoid him and he just laughs at the windy Gales. So before we set sail, young lads and lasses, know that we’ll be safe; for out on yon wily seas is a right mighty mate! Now some say he’s a man—and has the look of one all right. But to tell the truth he must be more, that old seaman, Barnacle Bill.

I’ll tell you one time down on the Spanish Main, we were laden with riches, and bearing for no less than London Town. This three-masted schooner hoisted the Crossbones and Skull and fired hell on us, splintering our own two masts. Well now, it seemed that all was lost, when suddenly come Barnacle Bill riding a dolphin and hurling sharp conchs. I never thought a few shells thrown, broken or not, would create such a stir. But that old Skull and Crossbones—that right mighty pirate ship—sunk like a boulder, to the deepest of depths.

Now don’t curl up that nose, young lad!—I’m spinning no yarn. I was there and witnessed with mine own eyes what Barnacle Bill done to them pirates and done them right and true! Down to Davey Jones' Locker went they, that whole rotten crew. Then there was the time I was fishing the red crab out of Dutch Harbor. The seas there be mighty rough, even on the fairest of days, but this was a stormy, dark day—and that’s bad enough in those frigid waters. But all at once a great squiddy leviathan emerged from the depths, its tentacles reaching clean up to the crow’s nest atop the main mast!—Now there’s that look again, young matey, but I swears an oath, that creature was nigh to pulling us under to the crabby depths of those icy coasts!

Then! Out of the white caps came Barnacle Bill! Riding abreast of an Ocean Unicorn—them’s better known nowadays as Narly-Wahlz. Now see, this Narly-Wahlz’s about forty foot long and as white as the driven snow. And sticking straight out of its front end is a swirling, straight pike any Knight of the Round Table would have been proud to use in a joust. Well ol’ Barnacle Bill rode that Narly-Wahlz smack dab into that squiddy leviathan and the black blood gushed out of that horrid monster and blackened the sea from Dutch Harbor nigh to Adak Island so great a thing it was!

Then was the time I was Down Under-ways, fishin’ the Great Barrier with ol’ Cap’n One-Eye Drake—him being the one what found the passage, I b’lieve. Anyways, a shark longer and wider than nature ‘ere intended sprang up and smashed our three-master in twain! Well, as God is in Heaven, it was every man for hisself and that ol’ whitey shark was big enough to make a snack of us all, every one! But then came Barnacle Bill!—starfish on his chest, standing on the nose of a sperm whale. He put old whitey shark to flight with that, I’ll tell you.

What’s that? The bell I hear? Must mean the tide has turned and we’d be ready to sail. Gather yourselves together, young ones; for now we leave Sanna ‘Frisco and sail for the South Seas. So fear thee not, my little ones, and especially you, my little Doubting Thomas, and know well, Barnacle Bill is out there to protect and defend from any evil thing that might think to bring harm our way. And give no thought to me; for you’ll see me along the voyage, as well as many other things—and maybe too, Barnacle Bill.

So we’ll cast away in this still new century, and what a year this aught-nine has been. And sail away a wide briny wonder ‘till the shores of 19 and 10.